This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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