i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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