he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
