I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
