I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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