I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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