Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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