I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
