you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
