It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
