I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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