dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
