The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
