Kiss
Puke
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
