Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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