I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
