booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
