I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
