Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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