I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sacagawea was the original milf.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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