If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
