we have officially lost it.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
please don't ironically join a cult
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