i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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