Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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