i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
