I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Semen is not good for contacts.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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