Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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