you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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