We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
