do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
