you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
