I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
