i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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