i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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