Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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