quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
