Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
