i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
