i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
