I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
