I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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