it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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