my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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