u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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