I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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