dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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