the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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