look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just found puke in my bra..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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