I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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