Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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